be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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