Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
