Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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