Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
