:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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