I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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