we have pet lesbian snakes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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