Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
