I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
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You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
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I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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