i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
