It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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