I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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