Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
