if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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