I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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