his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
