Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
