god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
