have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
