I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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