Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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