I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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