Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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