the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
