I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
