I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you inspire me to be a worse person
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
