I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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