She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
As shirtless as possible
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
