He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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