I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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