Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
