She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
