I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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