get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
