went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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