Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
