that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
