all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
