So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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