Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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