I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
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You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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