Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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