You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
