there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
