just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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