I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
