if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
