Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
