my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
