Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
