Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
