I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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