I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
