Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
