I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
