My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
