My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
